Sleeeeep.
It's now 1:02am and I wish I was asleep.
For the past month and a half, give or take some days, I've had some unusual trouble sleeping. The trouble is the unusual part. Normally, I fall asleep fairly quickly and stay asleep until morning. Now, I can't for the life of me get to sleep at a reasonable hour.
To make things worse, if I try to go down for a nap, my heart rate skyrockets as if I were doing something anxiety-inducing. Um, hello? Brain? I'm having a nap. It ranks pretty high on the relaxation scale. That's the exact opposite end of anxiety-inducing. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. I can usually milk 45 or 50 minutes of sleep out of a 1.5hr lay-in-bed, but the first portion is spent in frustration and confusion as my pulse echoes in my ears. I honestly cannot figure out why my heart rate would increase when I'm trying to nap, let alone an increase so drastic. I'll go from normal beats per minute to over 100, sometimes 120. To put that into some context, normal adult heart rates range from 60-80 beats per minute. At 120, I'm double where I should be. That's either exercise mode or panic mode, and neither is being invoked in a goddamn nap.
The heart rate thing doesn't happen for nighttime sleeping, though. Naps and only naps.
On the plus side, I had a talk with Andrew about his video gaming the other day. He acknowledged that he went a bit overboard and apologized if he made me feel neglected. That's really all I needed to hear. He's been very cute lately, asking me if I'd like to play Minecraft with him or go watch TV with him or other togethery things. Making sure he takes a bit of time to check in once in a while. It really means a lot to me. Being unemployed, he's my main source of human contact.
On the unemployment note, it's been about a year since I had a job at this point. I'm running out of savings. I've already been living on a pretty bare minimum. I buy groceries, pay my share of the gas money for the car, and rent. Once a month, I treat myself to something... a video game, a trip to the used clothes store, new cosmetics stuff. I've been living consistently under $800 a month, and that includes rent. It friggin' sucks. I haven't purchased an item of clothing for myself that wasn't pre-owned in over a year. Last June, in fact. Save for undergarments, of course. I may be poor, but I'm not wearing someone else's skivvies.
At this point, I need money. Unfortunately, I'm a pig-headed, stubborn asshole who can't handle working jobs that suck. I don't want to work fast food or big-box-crap retail. And to top it off, my anxiety all but prevents me from working anything but day shifts. I tried doing evening stuff and ended up sobbing to the manager on my first night alone in my department. At a certain point in time, my body decides that I need to be at home, or wherever I intend to be spending the night. If I don't leave, it starts taking actions to try to make me unfit to stay where I am, which include but are not limited to vomiting and passing out. No matter how I try to talk myself down, it happens. Even in the safest places. At a certain point at night, I need to be wherever my bed is.