maybenot's posterous http://maybenot.posterous.com Most recent posts at maybenot's posterous posterous.com Tue, 18 Oct 2011 22:33:54 -0700 Still sleepin' funny. http://maybenot.posterous.com/still-sleepin-funny http://maybenot.posterous.com/still-sleepin-funny Those sleep troubles I mentioned back in September? Still around. I don't know if Posterous timestamps each post, but for future reference, I began writing this at quarter past one in the morning.

The problem now is that I want to sleep. I really, really want to sleep. But every time I lay down and close my eyes, my brain turns on. In the past month, I'd estimate that I've fallen asleep on my first try three or four times. And there's been one, maybe two days where I didn't have a nap. I wish I could just skip a nap and make my body reset itself, but I don't work that way. I've tried. It only seemed to make matters worse, because at around the time I'd be napping, I'd feel like I was about to fall asleep whether I made it to the bed or not.

Almost every night, I try to fall asleep for half an hour. This begins anywhere between 10:30pm and 11pm. Once I inevitably realize that sleep isn't going to happen, I meander over to my laptop and tool around until one or two in the morning. I even keep the screen brightness on its absolute minimum so I don't confuse my body by giving it brightness when it's supposed to be sleepy time. I keep the light off in the room where my computer is, too. I play word puzzles, shitty Facebook games, and plod aimlessly around Subeta until I get frustrated enough to make sleep attempt number two. I've been lucky enough, I suppose, since my second attempt always results in sleep. I think it's because I'm so grouchy at myself for not having a normal-person sleep schedule that I force myself to lay there until sleep eventually happens. 

It's just about time to go back to bed and try for sleep again. I just wish I didn't have to get out of bed in the first place. The moment my head hits the pillow, my brain tries to tell me about all the fun and exciting things I could be doing. Fun fact: by "fun and exciting", my brain means "yaaaay shitty Facebook games."

Yet another trait I can add to the list of reasons I wish I was normal.

At least I have a vacation to look forward to. It isn't until December, but it will be so relaxing.

Oh, and my four-year anniversary with Andrew is in less than a month. Also something to look forward to. I'm sure it seems like I gripe about him quite a lot, but the real issue I tend to harp on is his video games... and frankly, if that's the biggest issue in our relationship, we're doing damn well. We've already managed to make it past -- and even accept -- that he and his family are Christian, and I'm not likely to become Christian, barring of course some kind of intense revelation in which God says, "Right. Here I am. Do with this information as you will." 

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1120849/In_the_Lab_004.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SnGsmN0vphT Lynnie maybenot Lynnie
Sun, 11 Sep 2011 22:15:41 -0700 Money. http://maybenot.posterous.com/money http://maybenot.posterous.com/money By my best estimate, considering that Andrew's birthday and our 4th anniversary are in the next handful of months, I have approximately six months before I completely run out of money.

It has been over a year since I held a job. It has been almost as long since I stopped trying to look for one. 

As a child, you're told that when you're done school, you get a job. The more school you complete, the more pleasant your job will be. This is a complete fabrication. My most optimistic outcomes include fast food or selling trinkets. I have a deep and resounding need to feel useful, and neither of those "careers" can fulfill that. I do not know what can. 

I've tossed around the idea of starting my own business, but that's almost as unrealistic as expecting a wonderful job if you graduate from university. I have no business experience save for selling Avon products to friends and family. I would want to offer a service to people rather than a product. A product generally entails owning a shop, and I don't want that. I want to be helpful in some way. In some small way, that's why I considered going to college to become an esthetician. Makeup and nails are of little interest to me, however. It's the skincare stuff that I enjoy learning about. 

How would I even begin a business relating to skincare, though? I feel like my only option would be to sell products, which isn't what I want. I wish there was a dermatologist-lite field. Not qualified to handle real medical issues or prescribe things, but knowledgeable enough to recommend how to take care of everyday skin problems. Large pores, blackheads, oily skin... Dermatologists have more important things to fix, don't they? Can't there be someone like me who knows how to fix these problems and can get paid to help other people with them?

I know what ingredients to look for if you have oily skin, or dry skin, or acne-ridden skin, or combination skin. I know which ingredients warrant a test patch for sensitive skin. I can even recommend specific products. Is there a job that fits this? Is there even a market for this? Some kind of bizarre esthetics counselor?

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1120849/In_the_Lab_004.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SnGsmN0vphT Lynnie maybenot Lynnie
Tue, 06 Sep 2011 22:19:44 -0700 Sleeeeep. http://maybenot.posterous.com/sleeeeep http://maybenot.posterous.com/sleeeeep It's now 1:02am and I wish I was asleep.

For the past month and a half, give or take some days, I've had some unusual trouble sleeping. The trouble is the unusual part. Normally, I fall asleep fairly quickly and stay asleep until morning. Now, I can't for the life of me get to sleep at a reasonable hour.

To make things worse, if I try to go down for a nap, my heart rate skyrockets as if I were doing something anxiety-inducing. Um, hello? Brain? I'm having a nap. It ranks pretty high on the relaxation scale. That's the exact opposite end of anxiety-inducing. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. I can usually milk 45 or 50 minutes of sleep out of a 1.5hr lay-in-bed, but the first portion is spent in frustration and confusion as my pulse echoes in my ears. I honestly cannot figure out why my heart rate would increase when I'm trying to nap, let alone an increase so drastic. I'll go from normal beats per minute to over 100, sometimes 120. To put that into some context, normal adult heart rates range from 60-80 beats per minute. At 120, I'm double where I should be. That's either exercise mode or panic mode, and neither is being invoked in a goddamn nap.

The heart rate thing doesn't happen for nighttime sleeping, though. Naps and only naps.

On the plus side, I had a talk with Andrew about his video gaming the other day. He acknowledged that he went a bit overboard and apologized if he made me feel neglected. That's really all I needed to hear. He's been very cute lately, asking me if I'd like to play Minecraft with him or go watch TV with him or other togethery things. Making sure he takes a bit of time to check in once in a while. It really means a lot to me. Being unemployed, he's my main source of human contact.

On the unemployment note, it's been about a year since I had a job at this point. I'm running out of savings. I've already been living on a pretty bare minimum. I buy groceries, pay my share of the gas money for the car, and rent. Once a month, I treat myself to something... a video game, a trip to the used clothes store, new cosmetics stuff. I've been living consistently under $800 a month, and that includes rent. It friggin' sucks. I haven't purchased an item of clothing for myself that wasn't pre-owned in over a year. Last June, in fact. Save for undergarments, of course. I may be poor, but I'm not wearing someone else's skivvies.

At this point, I need money. Unfortunately, I'm a pig-headed, stubborn asshole who can't handle working jobs that suck. I don't want to work fast food or big-box-crap retail. And to top it off, my anxiety all but prevents me from working anything but day shifts. I tried doing evening stuff and ended up sobbing to the manager on my first night alone in my department. At a certain point in time, my body decides that I need to be at home, or wherever I intend to be spending the night. If I don't leave, it starts taking actions to try to make me unfit to stay where I am, which include but are not limited to vomiting and passing out. No matter how I try to talk myself down, it happens. Even in the safest places. At a certain point at night, I need to be wherever my bed is.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1120849/In_the_Lab_004.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SnGsmN0vphT Lynnie maybenot Lynnie
Sat, 03 Sep 2011 18:30:37 -0700 ALL DAY. http://maybenot.posterous.com/all-day http://maybenot.posterous.com/all-day Andrew has been playing the same game all. goddamn. day.

Oh, alright. I exaggerate slightly. There was approximately a 1.5hr break when we got breakfast and watched an episode of Star Trek. When we visited his parents for supper, he played a different game (gasp) for half an hour, and then we allocate an hour for eating... 

If he woke up at 8am today, which would be a decent sleep-in for him... Andrew has been played a total of eight hours of the same game.

EIGHT HOURS.

And that's a conservative estimate!

At least I merited an hour and a half of his time. I know it's the weekend -- and a long weekend to boot -- but I could have used the occasional acknowledgement that I exist. He's been on his headset talking to other people playing the game for two of his eight in-game hours, so not only has he been absorbed in the game, he's had actual people to keep him company. All I get is his occasional response to one of them to keep me from going stir-crazy. And none of those responses make any sense, since I can't hear the entire conversation. Nor are they directed to me.

I want to say something, but he'll only mope if I do. 

I just informed him that he has played eight hours of one game. He said something to the effect of, "Yeah? And?"

AND I AM ALONE ALL DAY DURING THE WEEK.

I AM STARVED FOR HUMAN CONTACT.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1120849/In_the_Lab_004.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SnGsmN0vphT Lynnie maybenot Lynnie
Sat, 20 Aug 2011 18:34:43 -0700 Boyfriend... issues? http://maybenot.posterous.com/boyfriend-issues http://maybenot.posterous.com/boyfriend-issues I've mentioned before that I worry about Andrew choosing video games over me... Right now is one of those times.

He works during the week, 7:30-4 or so, and when he comes home, he plays video games all evening. To be fair, we'll eat supper together and watch an episode of our latest show, but even while we do that, he'll be doing something with his game in the background. 

Every other day or so, I manage to catch him in the right mood to play Minecraft together, which is fun... I just feel like he plays his games SO FRIGGIN' MUCH. I honestly feel a little attention-starved at the moment. It's Saturday night and all I want is for my boyfriend to reach over, caress my cheek and say something sweet. I don't need an hour-long snuggle session. I just want him to acknowledge my presence every so often.

I wish I could just talk to him about this, but he'd only get upset. He'd tell me that he'd never choose video games over me. I know if I was crying or hurt or something like that, he'd turn the game off, but if I just said, "Hey, let's hang out," he'd tell me that he's in the middle of something, maybe in a bit. I feel like I'm not allowed to be upset about this stuff because he truly believes we're spending enough time together. To me, though, there's a world of difference between sitting in the same room and actually spending time with each other. I want to talk with him, joke around and be silly, go outside... But right now, all I can do is watch over his shoulder as he plays his game. I can't tell him that I think he plays too much. He'd tell me that he'd never choose video games over me, but he would still finish his goddamn instance before we talk about anything.

What do I dooooo. This isn't some high school puppy love. This is grown-up living-together love. Why does it feel so juvenile?

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1120849/In_the_Lab_004.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SnGsmN0vphT Lynnie maybenot Lynnie
Sat, 16 Jul 2011 17:29:56 -0700 "Doing well" http://maybenot.posterous.com/doing-well http://maybenot.posterous.com/doing-well I've been on my meds for a while now, and I am doing better. I can leave the house. I can drive. I can eat.

But I still feel stuck. I feel like I'm useless, like I don't have a purpose. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't think that I'm meant for the conventional "workplace" and I have no idea how to deal with that.

And I'm scared. I'm scared because even though I have no current desire to enact this plan, I actually have a plan. And it keeps popping into my head. I have a plan on how to kill myself. I'm not sure it if would even work. I know nothing about suicide. I have never attempted it and I don't think I could. Despite this, I have a plan of exactly what I intend to do.

Who am I supposed to confide in? Who could possibly trust my mental stability enough to hear this and not toss me into a padded room? I don't know if my boyfriend could hear it. My family certainly couldn't, not without panicking. So who am I supposed to talk to? I want to sit down with someone and have them tell me that it's okay to have a plan as long as you have no desire to act on it. 

I need to hear it. 

It doesn't have enough weight if I tell it to myself.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1120849/In_the_Lab_004.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SnGsmN0vphT Lynnie maybenot Lynnie
Sun, 08 May 2011 20:03:34 -0700 Fuckin' A. http://maybenot.posterous.com/fuckin-a http://maybenot.posterous.com/fuckin-a Just got home from a weekend-long trip to a bigger city nearby. I totally didn't freak out. DID NOT FREAK OUT. Hear that, brain chemistry? Suck it, seratonin!

Granted, I had a few anxious moments, but there were no full-on panic attacks and I didn't try to weasel out of doing anything. 

I AM MEDICATED, HEAR ME ROAR.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1120849/In_the_Lab_004.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SnGsmN0vphT Lynnie maybenot Lynnie
Tue, 03 May 2011 19:10:37 -0700 *sigh of relief* http://maybenot.posterous.com/sigh-of-relief http://maybenot.posterous.com/sigh-of-relief Ahhhhhhhh~

The meds have kicked in and wow, do I feel better. It's great to be a pill-popper, isn't it? :\

Seriously though, I do feel a great deal better. I can drive now without panicking, I can eat at restaurants, walk around a little... Yeah, I know that those are things regular people do on a daily basis. That's how bad my anxiety gets. I couldn't even go to the nearest Tim Horton's a kilometer away. Hell, I could barely get to the convenience store two blocks away.

I'm not entirely sure what it is about restaurants and eatery-type-places that sets me off. Maybe it's the waiting around? I don't like sitting idly unless I'm in a place I consider to be safe. And it's difficult to find the local Timmie's safe when there's a bin in the washroom for disposing of needles. Every time I use the bathroom, I pretend that the bin is for people with diabetes. :P

Going on a trip this weekend with Andrew -- that's my boyfriend -- and his family. Taking the train, staying at a hotel, wandering around the city, seeing a baseball game... I wonder how I'll hold up.

Send happy thoughts ><

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1120849/In_the_Lab_004.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SnGsmN0vphT Lynnie maybenot Lynnie
Wed, 06 Apr 2011 21:09:39 -0700 Dilemma. http://maybenot.posterous.com/dilemma http://maybenot.posterous.com/dilemma I really want to hear from other people about their problems with anxiety and depression, but fuck me, I do not want to discuss it with my friends and family. I still have to discuss it with them, but it would be really nice to talk to someone with no preconceived notions of who or what I'm supposed to be. 

I love my Andrew to pieces, but he knows he doesn't really understand the level of anxiety that I feel on a regular basis. He's always sympathetic and kind, and I feel like that should be enough... but it isn't. Does that make me a bad person?

I do have one friend with very similar anxiety issues, and we chat about it occasionally. I get a lot out of those conversations. Because we aren't incredibly close -- friends, but not the best of -- I don't feel any judgment from her. She doesn't have any ideas of what I should be, the way that my family does or that I wonder if my boyfriend might.

I really do wonder how all of this is affecting Andrew. I know that he'll stand by me, but I don't want him to be limited by my mental disorders. He hates talking about Big Important Things, so asking will only make him uncomfortable and, indeed, even less likely to say anything meaningful.

God, I hope the stupid "takes two weeks to kick in" medication starts working soon. I can't even drive across town without a pit stop to calm my nerves. Hell, even the thought of the impending drive makes me feel horrible.

Any day now, meds. Aaaany day.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1120849/In_the_Lab_004.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SnGsmN0vphT Lynnie maybenot Lynnie
Tue, 05 Apr 2011 09:41:54 -0700 Hooray meds? http://maybenot.posterous.com/hooray-meds http://maybenot.posterous.com/hooray-meds Been getting back on the meds that I mentioned stopping back in my very first post. I love that I now have chronological evidence of exactly when I started feeling like shit. And evidence of exactly when I became a fucking huge dumbass. Somebody remind me that stopping the medication that makes you able to leave the house is a bad idea.

For future reference:

Meds? Good.
Not meds? You're a huge dumbass.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1120849/In_the_Lab_004.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SnGsmN0vphT Lynnie maybenot Lynnie
Thu, 31 Mar 2011 11:54:04 -0700 Going insaaaane. http://maybenot.posterous.com/going-insaaaane http://maybenot.posterous.com/going-insaaaane I never started taking my antidepressants again. Mistake. I had one panic attack a few weeks ago and I've been out of commission ever since. 

I lost ten pounds in two weeks because I was too anxious to eat for one week, and my stomach was so shrunken by the second week that it couldn't hold normal meals. I'll have a chance to weigh myself tonight to see if I've lost any more... I'm 5'3 and 125. Used to be 135. I don't have many extra pounds to lose at this point.

And God, the anxiety is killing me... I'm nervous about everything. I can't leave the house without freaking out. I've been doing my best not to allow any avoidance behaviours but FUCK. When your heart rate jumps to 120+ at the thought of leaving the house, it's damn hard to actually leave the house. I have been, for short walks or to visit my family or Andrew's family. 

Tonight I have to drive across town to housesit and I'm freaking out. I haven't driven much farther than 2km since the panic set in a few weeks ago, so this is a pretty huge step... I don't know how I'll handle it. I mean, worst case scenario is I panic while driving, but I can just pull over. I really, really don't want that to happen though...

Oh, forgot to mention my phobia. Yeah, I'm afraid of stairs. And there's a huge set of 'em at the house I'll be visiting tonight. Maybe Andrew will piggyback me up them? :(  I mean, I'm even lighter than normal right now!

Ugh. Shouldn't joke about the weight thing. I almost want to try on some of the jeans that were fitting tight a month ago. But that would involve getting out of bed.

I am a giant mess of anxiety and self-loathing and arrrrrrgh.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1120849/In_the_Lab_004.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SnGsmN0vphT Lynnie maybenot Lynnie
Wed, 27 Oct 2010 22:11:27 -0700 Dammiiiiiit. http://maybenot.posterous.com/dammiiiiiit http://maybenot.posterous.com/dammiiiiiit Well fuck.

I don't even have friends in goddamn video games.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1120849/In_the_Lab_004.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SnGsmN0vphT Lynnie maybenot Lynnie
Sun, 24 Oct 2010 11:11:17 -0700 Fucking AWESOME. http://maybenot.posterous.com/fucking-awesome http://maybenot.posterous.com/fucking-awesome Andrew just picked a three-hour video game dungeon run -- one that he admitted was likely to fail -- over hanging out with me.

Fun times.

And to top it off, he's promised never to pick video games over me. He's actually promised this multiple times throughout our relationship, usually just after he HAS picked video games over me. I'm not even sure that he realized he's broken his promise. I will grant him any instance in which he was already committed to some lengthy run. This though? I asked him if we could do something -- anything -- and got shot down in favour of something he hadn't committed to yet. Something he was thinking of starting.

We fucking live together, yet I don't spend any time with him in an average day. 

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1120849/In_the_Lab_004.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SnGsmN0vphT Lynnie maybenot Lynnie
Sat, 16 Oct 2010 20:54:49 -0700 Late. http://maybenot.posterous.com/late-0 http://maybenot.posterous.com/late-0 It's quarter to midnight and I'm waiting for Andrew to finish playing video games so we can go to sleep.

RAWRGH.

It wouldn't be so bad if I was one of those video-game-hating girlfriends. Then anyone reading this could just blame my grouchiness on my ignorant loathing of video games. No, sadly... The only game that he plays that I don't is Starcraft, and that's because RTS games make me anxious. It's too damn fast. Give me Minecraft over Starcraft any day. 

Speaking of Minecraft, I need to relearn logic gates. Or rather, learn how to make them in Minecraft. I still remember all of the weird XNOR gates... I just have no idea how to implement them using torches and three dimensions.

Seriously, I'm sleepy. Logic gates sound super cool right now.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1120849/In_the_Lab_004.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SnGsmN0vphT Lynnie maybenot Lynnie
Sun, 10 Oct 2010 21:02:13 -0700 Friend count: 2? http://maybenot.posterous.com/friend-count-2-1 http://maybenot.posterous.com/friend-count-2-1 Yes, really. And that's including my boyfriend.

No fucking wonder I have trust issues. Just with friends, too, not with significant others. Once I've gotten attached to someone, I'm no longer necessary. To be fair, I've made some bad choices in the past as far as friends go. But not this many.

God, not this many...

I must be a damn shitty friend. 

Worst part is, I can't even figure out why. I'm loyal, I listen and genuinely care, I have a sense of humour...

I miss whatever it is that I was before, and I hate whatever is pushing everyone away.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1120849/In_the_Lab_004.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SnGsmN0vphT Lynnie maybenot Lynnie
Sat, 09 Oct 2010 23:55:00 -0700 Brace yourself. http://maybenot.posterous.com/brace-yourself http://maybenot.posterous.com/brace-yourself

Because this is for all of the late night rambling, the frustrated ranting, the typing through tears and the getting it off my chest that only a mostly-anonymous journal can offer.

I'm a twenty-one-year-old female. My name is Lynnie. I live with my boyfriend-of-almost-three-years, Andrew.

The reason I can't sleep? I haven't been taking my morning prescriptions for several weeks. That's three different medications I've been missing. Two for anxiety and depression, and one for keeping my sorry, sleepy ass awake for more than a few hours at a time. I was diagnosed with G.A.D. and panic disorder when I was fifteen. The depression sort of comes part and parcel, and tends to manifest itself as a deep desire to not do shit-all, and to be asleep all of the goddamn time. Oh, and sometimes I cry for no reason.

Without my meds, right now, I'm a giant ball of nerves just waiting to snap. And simultaneously, a frustratingly apathetic lazy bastard.

Soooo.The reason I'm not taking my meds? I've forgotten what it's like to have a sex drive.

Also, I'm a virgin. Try that on for size.

AND. So is my boyfriend. My live-in, loving, fantastically amazing boyfriend and I have not had sex.

Seriously, I told you to brace yourself. This is just the introduction.

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http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/1120849/In_the_Lab_004.jpg http://posterous.com/users/4SnGsmN0vphT Lynnie maybenot Lynnie