Going insaaaane.

I never started taking my antidepressants again. Mistake. I had one panic attack a few weeks ago and I've been out of commission ever since. 

I lost ten pounds in two weeks because I was too anxious to eat for one week, and my stomach was so shrunken by the second week that it couldn't hold normal meals. I'll have a chance to weigh myself tonight to see if I've lost any more... I'm 5'3 and 125. Used to be 135. I don't have many extra pounds to lose at this point.

And God, the anxiety is killing me... I'm nervous about everything. I can't leave the house without freaking out. I've been doing my best not to allow any avoidance behaviours but FUCK. When your heart rate jumps to 120+ at the thought of leaving the house, it's damn hard to actually leave the house. I have been, for short walks or to visit my family or Andrew's family. 

Tonight I have to drive across town to housesit and I'm freaking out. I haven't driven much farther than 2km since the panic set in a few weeks ago, so this is a pretty huge step... I don't know how I'll handle it. I mean, worst case scenario is I panic while driving, but I can just pull over. I really, really don't want that to happen though...

Oh, forgot to mention my phobia. Yeah, I'm afraid of stairs. And there's a huge set of 'em at the house I'll be visiting tonight. Maybe Andrew will piggyback me up them? :(  I mean, I'm even lighter than normal right now!

Ugh. Shouldn't joke about the weight thing. I almost want to try on some of the jeans that were fitting tight a month ago. But that would involve getting out of bed.

I am a giant mess of anxiety and self-loathing and arrrrrrgh.