Going insaaaane.

I never started taking my antidepressants again. Mistake. I had one panic attack a few weeks ago and I've been out of commission ever since. 

I lost ten pounds in two weeks because I was too anxious to eat for one week, and my stomach was so shrunken by the second week that it couldn't hold normal meals. I'll have a chance to weigh myself tonight to see if I've lost any more... I'm 5'3 and 125. Used to be 135. I don't have many extra pounds to lose at this point.

And God, the anxiety is killing me... I'm nervous about everything. I can't leave the house without freaking out. I've been doing my best not to allow any avoidance behaviours but FUCK. When your heart rate jumps to 120+ at the thought of leaving the house, it's damn hard to actually leave the house. I have been, for short walks or to visit my family or Andrew's family. 

Tonight I have to drive across town to housesit and I'm freaking out. I haven't driven much farther than 2km since the panic set in a few weeks ago, so this is a pretty huge step... I don't know how I'll handle it. I mean, worst case scenario is I panic while driving, but I can just pull over. I really, really don't want that to happen though...

Oh, forgot to mention my phobia. Yeah, I'm afraid of stairs. And there's a huge set of 'em at the house I'll be visiting tonight. Maybe Andrew will piggyback me up them? :(  I mean, I'm even lighter than normal right now!

Ugh. Shouldn't joke about the weight thing. I almost want to try on some of the jeans that were fitting tight a month ago. But that would involve getting out of bed.

I am a giant mess of anxiety and self-loathing and arrrrrrgh.

Fucking AWESOME.

Andrew just picked a three-hour video game dungeon run -- one that he admitted was likely to fail -- over hanging out with me.

Fun times.

And to top it off, he's promised never to pick video games over me. He's actually promised this multiple times throughout our relationship, usually just after he HAS picked video games over me. I'm not even sure that he realized he's broken his promise. I will grant him any instance in which he was already committed to some lengthy run. This though? I asked him if we could do something -- anything -- and got shot down in favour of something he hadn't committed to yet. Something he was thinking of starting.

We fucking live together, yet I don't spend any time with him in an average day. 

Late.

It's quarter to midnight and I'm waiting for Andrew to finish playing video games so we can go to sleep.

RAWRGH.

It wouldn't be so bad if I was one of those video-game-hating girlfriends. Then anyone reading this could just blame my grouchiness on my ignorant loathing of video games. No, sadly... The only game that he plays that I don't is Starcraft, and that's because RTS games make me anxious. It's too damn fast. Give me Minecraft over Starcraft any day. 

Speaking of Minecraft, I need to relearn logic gates. Or rather, learn how to make them in Minecraft. I still remember all of the weird XNOR gates... I just have no idea how to implement them using torches and three dimensions.

Seriously, I'm sleepy. Logic gates sound super cool right now.

Friend count: 2?

Yes, really. And that's including my boyfriend.

No fucking wonder I have trust issues. Just with friends, too, not with significant others. Once I've gotten attached to someone, I'm no longer necessary. To be fair, I've made some bad choices in the past as far as friends go. But not this many.

God, not this many...

I must be a damn shitty friend. 

Worst part is, I can't even figure out why. I'm loyal, I listen and genuinely care, I have a sense of humour...

I miss whatever it is that I was before, and I hate whatever is pushing everyone away.

Brace yourself.

Because this is for all of the late night rambling, the frustrated ranting, the typing through tears and the getting it off my chest that only a mostly-anonymous journal can offer.

I'm a twenty-one-year-old female. My name is Lynnie. I live with my boyfriend-of-almost-three-years, Andrew.

The reason I can't sleep? I haven't been taking my morning prescriptions for several weeks. That's three different medications I've been missing. Two for anxiety and depression, and one for keeping my sorry, sleepy ass awake for more than a few hours at a time. I was diagnosed with G.A.D. and panic disorder when I was fifteen. The depression sort of comes part and parcel, and tends to manifest itself as a deep desire to not do shit-all, and to be asleep all of the goddamn time. Oh, and sometimes I cry for no reason.

Without my meds, right now, I'm a giant ball of nerves just waiting to snap. And simultaneously, a frustratingly apathetic lazy bastard.

Soooo.The reason I'm not taking my meds? I've forgotten what it's like to have a sex drive.

Also, I'm a virgin. Try that on for size.

AND. So is my boyfriend. My live-in, loving, fantastically amazing boyfriend and I have not had sex.

Seriously, I told you to brace yourself. This is just the introduction.